So – Is it the Summertime Blues?
Dear Fellowship,
I have been very busy since my holiday with my wife. We had a great break and spent every day walking, talking and attending Mass with Father Nicholas. The weather was fantastic and there were ample opportunities to reflect on how far I had come on my road to recovery. How far we had ‘both’ come. We talked freely about how much my addiction had hurt her. How my online activities amounted to a betrayal of trust and were as bad as me having an affair. What had been even harder to her was that ‘the affair’ had not even been with a real person – how could she hope to compete against that?
She took the time to explain that it was very difficult to reconcile a marriage where only one party was involved. A marriage clothed under the veil of catholicity but truly filled with lies and selfishness (mine). Pornography addiction is pure and unadulterated selfishness. It has no benefit to anybody except the person engaged in it. It forces an unwitting partner to be constantly ‘second best’ to a virtual woman. A ‘woman’ that is never going to be real and is never going to be beaten.
I write this now because things do improve – but it takes a lot of hard work and a lot of Grace from God. You cannot expect your wife to forgive or forget the pain you caused / cause. You cannot start to blame her if she brings the past up when tensions are high. Never feel unfairly treated if she reminds you of your addiction and how much harm it caused the family. She has a right to express herself – she deserves the chance to be heard. You just need to be quiet and learn humility. This too is part of the road to recovery.
So why are you all so quiet? (Ephraim being the exception)
Only two options present themselves to me at this moment. Either you are deep in the mire of your addiction and too ashamed to face your fellow addicts OR you have continued to fight successfully and you now no longer need to associate with the group. Perhaps it feels like it gets in the way or reminds you of something that you prefer not to face again. Whatever the reason – STOP and THINK.
If you are in trouble then you need to start again and use this group properly. Crypt Chat is designed for daily 1:1 private contact. Just send a message and another person can be online in a secure environment. No need to worry about forgotten email conversations being found. No need to worry that other people could use it against you. Once you have logged off it is gone…but the benefit of chat has not. Share the pain and the worries with somebody who understands. Don’t wait until you have already fallen – make a point of using the group for prevention…not to make you feel better afterwards.
The Self Help Units need to be ‘worked’. They are written in a light-hearted manner and come across as easy to complete. They are not easy. They take time and effort and a lot of prayer. Use crypt chat to discuss each of the units with your mentor (me at the moment) and then decide whether you are ready to start the next one.
If you have fallen into sin in the last 8 – 12 weeks then you have not achieved enough. You are still cheating somebody – you cannot hide that truth.
It is great to go 2 or 3 months without pornography. It feels liberating and makes you believe you are able to beat this cross…or at least manage it? Perhaps make you feel you can give it up in degrees – each time lasting a little longer. This is the devil, he fools you, he makes you feel in control. If you have fallen recently, then trust me, you are not in control. You need the Fellowship even if all they can do is share your misery…
And the other option?
Well done – you have made it…for now. So how can you start to make reparation for all that sin, all those lashes you made Our Lord endure. Yes, you are forgiven – nobody doubts that. But don’t you see how much help you can now be to others? You may well have defeated the cross of addiction but now use that experience to show others it is possible to be ‘porn free’. Remember how desperate the world seemed to you when in the depths of sexual addiction – the despair and self loathing…
Even if you are really busy and staying on top of the addiction it is still important to ‘check in’ with the group just to maintain the contact and allow trust to develop. Being busy is great and one of the tools we must use to reduce the pull of pornography but beware the risk of neglecting other important aspects of your life…they too are vital to your balanced recovery.
Aim to be a role model, a mentor or just keep offering up daily prayers for those ‘in need’. This is an opportunity for you to work toward true Sanctity – a chance to put other people’s needs in front of your own. A chance to save a soul from the devil that batters this modern world with internet snares. Give some time to write and tell others your story; your battles – failures and successes.
Who knows – one of these lost souls you help may end up saving you.
Think about it.
This site will be ‘membership only’ very soon so access will become limited – please give me your alias Email if you want to stay involved with the forum articles etc.
Finally, thank you if you have taken the time to read this. If you are wondering ‘why the title’? It is how I am feeling right now about Men of Hope. It is a lot of hard work and sometimes I feel like I may be wasting everyone’s time – it’s not like I’m qualified to provide support. However, I will continue to contribute to this apostolate because it keeps me busy and it helps me stay free of pornography and Father Nicholas won’t let me stop anyway!!
He reminds me daily: Thy Will be done…not mine!
Yours in Jesus, Mary & Joseph,
SA James.
