The Long Night…

The long night…

I love the thought of going to bed and having a long night’s sleep. Most nights I will slip into blissful slumber after just a few pages of my book. I will mutter some protective prayers to Blessed Mary and then happily go to sleep. I am content and at peace and thankful for my day. More importantly, I am in a state of Grace…

I open my eyes to darkness. My stomach is tense and my mind is jumping from one crazy thought to the next. I don’t want to look at my phone to check the time – I already guess that it’s early…really early! The dream is still fresh and it involved sexual thoughts and every part of me wanted to get back into it. Until recently, I would have done just that, comfortable in the knowledge that my priest said dreams don’t count toward sin.

Happy days!

In that semi-wakeful state I can convince myself of anything. Yes, I did once ask my priest about sinful thoughts and dreams. Of course my question to him was vague without being ‘overtly’ deceitful in its intention…more of that in another article.

“Father,” I asked one Sunday in confession, “Is it a sin to have sexual thoughts whilst waking from a dream?”

His reply was based on little knowledge of me or my sexual problems so he assured me that if I didn’t deliberately dwell on any one thought it would be fine. Needing more reassurance I’d followed up my question.  “But what if I am half asleep or have just woken and still in bed? Sometimes I find it difficult to know when I am really awake – when am I starting to give consent to these thoughts?”

His answer was hurried, possibly due to the long line of penitents waiting for him. “Anywhere up to 20 minutes. Even when we daydream we can find ourselves getting lost in unwanted thoughts. Half the time we probably aren’t even awake, we just think we are.”

From that point on I delighted in the opportunity for ‘unintended’ daydreams and late rising. I would go to bed looking forward to sexualised dreams and when they occurred would dwell on them for 20 ‘lawful’ minutes. Of course, it wasn’t that long before such activity escalated but now my viewpoint on where the sin had commenced was totally skewed by my ‘20 minute’ grace period.

That priest had probably said the best and worst thing to an addict. That question had been manipulative and deceptive and the priest was not to blame. I had been looking for permission to have my sexual thoughts without needing confession and I found a way to get it. To understand an addict you need to understand the despair of sin. The addict can’t/won’t stop his destructive activity yet still tries to be a part of the Church. He either has to lie to everyone and commit blatant sacrilege by taking the Eucharist whilst in a ‘state of sin’ or find a legitimate ‘loop hole’…and continue to sin. Both are clearly wrong but with the latter the sinner can convince himself that he is not really responsible for the activity and therefore not committing mortal sin.

In essence, I had moved the goal posts for what constituted a mortal sin. I had taken advantage of a kindly priest who was not aware of the true intent of the question. I had manipulated my ‘scenario’ in the hope of getting the answer I actually received. Due to my persistent pornography abuse, my mental functions were already impaired and hence it was easier to believe my own lies. Now I told myself such behaviour only amounted to ‘a near occasion of sin’ and therefore did not really require confession. Of course, I never thought to ask the same question of another priest…

Clearly this is absurd and anybody with an understanding of their Catechism would see the delusional nature of the argument – but I couldn’t. It took another 3 years and a severe ‘shock’ before I had to face that truth. So, what is the point of this article?

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ABILITY TO DECEIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS IN YOUR DESIRE TO SIN SEXUALLY!

This is not about ‘how long’ is lawful. The truth is obvious – especially to sinners. The moment you pose the question of ‘is this a sin’ then it is, particularly if it relates to sexual thoughts, etc. If you are awake enough to understand the consequence of your thoughts, then it does not matter a jot whether it is 2 seconds or 20 minutes. The reality we must face is that if we suffer such addictions we must never compromise in relation to daydreams or any sexualised thought.

My Simple Solution:

I never ‘sleep in’ and I NEVER let myself relive dreams I have had during the night. If I wake after a dream, I either read a religious book or I start praying the Rosary and ask the Holy Ghost to cleanse my thoughts of impure images. I offer up the frustration I feel, to save other souls with sexual addiction. I hate that I cannot allow myself to have a lie in and it feels unfair that I rarely sleep beyond 6am. However, it is quite amazing how much more prayer you can do knowing you have a full hour before getting ready for work. 🙂

Yours in Jesus, Mary and Joseph
SA James

(Since writing this post I have heard an excellent sermon on Sensus Fidelium covering the very topic of consent – have a listen and if in doubt ask your priest)