SEXUAL ADDICTION - SELF HELP COURSE
Men of Hope is happy to invite new and old members to make use of the course material in any way necessary to help with their fight against sexual addiction. The content of each unit has been formulated through ‘trial and error’ and is based primarily on the experiences of SA James. This content will be subject to regular review and members are encouraged to make suggestions for improvements or for new unit topics. This course is not recognised or certified by a professional or medical body and as such, all participants must remain fully responsible for their recovery. Members are reminded that the core element of these units are based on fundamental Catholic principles and beliefs.
As a Fellowship, we recognise and accept that each of us battle unique crosses within ‘our’ definition of sexual addiction. It is therefore necessary to adapt our approaches to suit individual circumstances. There is no such thing as ‘one size fits all’ and as a Fellowship we must be fully aware that support should be unreserved and without personal judgement.
Our biggest single challenge is to acknowledge that alone we have failed. That if we have reached the stage where we are reading this page then we are in need of help DESPERATELY. To progress however, we must start the process of change. The first element of this ‘change’ is understanding that God does not judge us on failure. He is a loving and patient father. He does not expect us to be Saints. He just needs us to trust in Him and to have faith that bearing our crosses is a necessary price for salvation. My cross is not your cross but that does not mean I am unable to help you bear yours…and visa versa!
Therefore…
These units must be worked through as part of a Fellowship – never alone. You will find nothing in these units that you have not already tried, no miracle cure. Instead, you will be forced to work laboriously through some very simple steps relying on your mentor and the support of the Fellowship. You must be able to embrace fully the virtue of humility. Until you are able to relinquish your shame and despair this course will be of little help.
If you are unable or unwilling to find a way to ask for help BEFORE you succumb to temptation then you will not find a solution in these units. Remember, the devil only has the power over you when you allow him. Shame is one of the devices he uses to keep you blind to God and blind to salvation. Also, be aware that I (SA James) have succumbed to shame countless times in the last 20 years. I understand how hard it is to ask for help – I never did. More importantly, I also understand how hard it is to forego the desire to taste forbidden fruit ‘one last time’. Even as I write these words, after all the time I have been ‘dry’, I am still feeling the desire to peek at pornography. It is not a strong need, it has no visual temptation or hold over me – yet still I feel myself considering it…
And that is when I make immediate contact with somone from the Fellowship. A simple email saying ‘help’ – that’s all it takes. Then if someone is available, straight on to Crypt Chat for 1:1 support.
How does this really help me though?
In truth, all it does is ‘give me time’ to regain control / focus. Gives me direct contact with someone who understands what I am going through. Somone to remind me why I don’t need pornography. To tell me how desperate I will feel if I succumb. (That feeling is one to remember when you are making plans to fall!) You need someone to give you a feeling of ‘self worth’ and a reason to keep you on the path to sanctity.
Don’t be fooled – I don’t really want to make contact with anybody! All I really want to do is look at pornography – just one more time. After all, I have been dry for so long, there is no way I will ‘allow’ myself to be pulled back into that addiction cycle again?
(We all know the real answer to that one!!)
Stage 1: Cold Turkey - This covers the period of the 'physical' neural addiction and should last 6 - 8 weeks.
Stage 1 is really all about establishing a solid framework that you can grip when temptation asserts itself. The better the construction, the better support it provides you. I have suggested 6 – 8 weeks based on my own experiences of neural and physical addiction symptoms. This is what a gambler, alcoholic or drug addict feels when they are trying to quit – to go cold turkey. Be prepared to redo each of the units when temptation wins. This is a heavy cross and you will stumble – as you have already done so often in the past. What is important to understand with Stage 1 is that once you have beaten the physical / chemical aspect you then still have to overcome the ‘habitual’ pull. That could take substantially longer. Your mentor and spiritual director will be able to help you decide when you are safely through this and able to move on to the next stage.
Completion of Stage 1 may be sufficient for some of you. If this is the case then you will be directed toward Stage 3 (More of that in a moment). However, you may discover that despite completing Stage 1 you still find that you are allowing yourself to fall. There may be many reasons for this but what it demonstrates is you are not yet able to take control over your ‘lower’ nature. This is a dangerous time – I know it by experience. You will believe that you have done well because you have probably drastically reduced your reliance on pornography. If you are like I was, then you will feel a degree of control over your addiction. You will be telling yourself that ‘with a little more work‘ I can beat this. You will decide that you can’t get anything else from the fellowship and you definitely don’t want to be told to go back to Unit 1 just because of a few falls…
And this is the problem I kept facing. (Ignoring is probably the better word)
Yes, I was not watching pornography for 6 hours on a near daily basis. Sometimes I could go weeks or months without a fall – but the fall would always happen…eventually. Yes, I had done really well and yes, maybe I was demonstrating some degree of fortitude and control. But was I truly demonstrating correct use of God’s Will? The devil was more than happy to keep my soul on those terms – which are of course…still his!
Stage 2: Our Temple - We learn how the devil was able to corrupt the soul Our Lord gave us.
Stage 2 is necessary for those who need a deeper understanding of why they crave the comfort sexual addiction provides. In my case I had significant issues as a child that formed some of the early behaviours that led to sexual addiction. Understanding why I developed such behaviours allowed me to firstly recognise that I wasn’t ‘born this way’ and more importantly to understand what needed to change to reduce the ‘craving’ factor. This is a difficult area and will require a lot of work understanding your childhood development. This area is to be explored with a trained professional and is not suitable for Men of Hope mentors. We can provide support and signposting.
This stage will also concentrate on the ‘science’ behind addiction and will rely heavily on published work from experts in the field. The units will be available to anybody who has completed Stage 1.
Stage 3: Saving Souls - Building on our knowledge of addiction we help rebuild effective defences for others.
Finally we hope that members will move on to Stage 3. This aspect is key to those who are confident that they have the skills and desire to help others facing addiction. This area is all about being a mentor and learning to support and contribute to the website. Through these units I hope to build up a cadre of willing volunteers to share the load of mentoring. Completion of this will not ‘qualify’ you for any recognised skill but it will enable you to continue on your path of sanctity as you give your time to aid others. Those who do not feel up to the challenge of mentoring or who are not recommended for this will be strongly pushed toward website contributions and prayer donations.
This is the opportunity to research and submit information relating to the different addiction topics in the Self Help Section.
STAGE 1 - Cold Turkey
Unit 1:
Unit 2:
Unit 3:
Unit 4:
Unit 5:
Unit 6:
Unit 7:
Unit 8:
A Fresh Start
Another Lenten Resolution
My Daily Defence
Why Must I Talk To Myself
Surviving The Seige
Boredom Blues
The Way Of The Cross
I don’t need a Fellowship
STAGE 2 - Our Temple
Unit 1:
Unit 2:
Unit 3:
Unit 4:
Unit 5:
Unit 6:
Unit 7:
But I Keep On Falling
Which Slide Do I Take
The New Normal
My Support Circles
Understanding Me
STAGE 3 - Saving Souls
Unit 1:
Unit 2:
Unit 3:
Unit 4:
Unit 5:
Unit 6:
Unit 7:
So Who Else Have I Hurt
Please remain patient whilst the course develops. As new units are written an excerpt will be published on the forum page. All Stage 1 units are completed and available to members.
