My Terminal Illness – An Update

MY TERMINAL ILLNESS – A LENTEN REFLECTION

Most of my life has been a fight against illness.  My adult years have been filled with misery and trauma.  I have been overrun with despair, anger and fits of jealousy; often screaming – ‘Why Me’?  My thoughts have strayed far from family and from God.  I have been choked in selfish desire and self-deceit.  I will die and this illness will be with me to the end.  But will it be the cause of my death?

Two years ago my wife died in tragic circumstances – she had a terminal illness.  Diagnosis was sudden due to the vagueness of the presenting symptoms.  We never guessed she had cancer until less than a year was left to her…and us.  That time was spent in a hectic race to find cures and ease her suffering.  It was also a time of soul searching and a need to find peace in God.

Spiritual healing became the priority as medical healing fell to the wayside.  Her symptoms became more pronounced and her physical condition worsened quickly.  We accepted that the illness was going to kill her.  So we threw all our energy into resigning ourselves to God’s will.  A very difficult concept when it is staring you in the face every last day of your wife’s life.

When my wife died she was surrounded by her family and had received The Last Rites, confession and an Apostolic Blessing.  She was ready to be taken into God’s hands and we were thankful that her suffering would cease.  Two years later I still think of her and miss her.  She was my life.

However, I too am hounded by an invasive illness waiting to take my life away.  I have tried many different remedies and though some have had short term relief, none have had a lasting effect.  Though I dearly wish to join my wife I am still petrified of how this illness is weakening me, robbing me of my will power, my desire to please God.

At present my condition is in remission – long may it last.  I recognize that the long term prognosis, based on many examinations, is bleak.  Without some ‘miraculous’ intervention this illness will kill me.  I often wonder whether death would be a relief now that I am alone.  The trouble I have is that I am a coward and I fear the return of daily suffering:

• Listlessness

• Anxiety

• Loss of motivation

• Loss of awareness of time

• Inability to sleep

• Splitting headaches

• Emotional outbursts

• Selfish rants at anybody trying to interfere

• Rage at my own despair

• Hopelessness

I am beyond help and pray daily that the illness will remain in remission.  So why am I telling you this on the Men of Hope website?

Unlike my wife, my illness will only kill me spiritually. Unlike my wife, my death will be for eternity.  I will not join her in heaven.  My illness is worse than cancer because it is of my own making.  It is my will that kills me…my will for pornography and sexual pleasures.

This Lent I have spent a lot of time meditating at my wife’s grave.  She was gone yet I found she had one more example to give me – the manner in which she dealt with suffering and death.  Once she had recognized the futility and wastefulness of anger and despair at ‘losing her life’ she understood that there was only one important thing ‘in life’ – the journey to join God.

How she got there and how much it hurt was unimportant – the reward was all that focused her attention.  It made her dying bearable and she just kept on offering the rest up.

This too has been my remedy.  I treat temptations and desire for sin as my painful and debilitating symptoms.  When I feel ‘it’ I remind myself that I have a terminal illness.  I think immediately of the example my wife set and understand that she didn’t get a choice to survive.  My illness will not disappear but at least I have a choice.  So I do as my wife did and focus entirely on God.  I resign myself to His permissive will and put ‘one foot in front of the other’ on my road to Calvary.

This is my journey to join God; but unlike my wife, my life is in my hands.  I no longer look for the cure to my illness I focus only on the path I must take to ensure my eternal salvation.

Thanks be to God.

Yours in Jesus, Mary & Joseph

SA James