Just one moment of weakness…

I am in torment,

I am writing because I do not want to fall into sin.  This post will be honest emotion and is not intended to make anybody else feel sorry for me.  I feel alone and do not even want to seek support.  All I want right now is to look at impure material and soothe my ‘hurt’.  It is not rational and I don’t care.  I know all of my triggers and I have numerous defences – but I don’t want to use them…

I want to commit sins of impurity because I want that short term relief / pleasure.  It will help me forget my day-to-day struggles… (yet we all know that is a lie)

I barely slept last night – just tossed and turned until 4am.  Sure, I have a lot of family related stresses going on right now but I haven’t let them get on top of me – yet.  I sent a couple of text messages to my Spiritual Director and I am sure he is praying hard…he knows me well enough to guess when I am vulnerable.  I suppose that is the first advantage of having regular and honest contact with someone you trust.  But there really isn’t anyone else.

When I got up my head was filled with all of the old ‘search terms’ and images I liked best.  Thankfully, my internet has child safe filters – not controlled by me.  But did that really bother me?  Of course not because I am also well aware that my early triggers relate to female clothing.  All I need to do is search You Tube for an innocent enough term – Outfit of the Day or Winter Fashion.  I started to do just that and I felt an immediate ‘rush’ as my brain quickly remembered what would probably happen next.

Of course, I recognised that I was now on my ski slope to sin.  Definitely looking down the slide wondering if I could stop myself…

This morning I did stop and instead watched a mindless video of a fellow male adult playing ‘Motor Sport Manager’…as if it was real life 🙂  In fact I ended up watching 3 episodes (more than an hours worth) and drinking 3 cups of coffee.  Not very productive – unless you consider that it distracted me from sin.  I then returned to bed for another restless hour.

Just after 6am I was up again – still thinking of sin.  I knew the house would be waking very soon but couldn’t resist the urge to try You Tube.  Despite earlier success my brain immediately pumped dopamine and stuff to lower my inhibitions and this time I put in a search term that related to Anime.  I don’t tell you this to give you ideas because most addicts have already found lots of different avenues to search for impure material that does not trip family filters.

Do I like cartoons – NO.

Is it something that even faintly interests me – NO.

However, quite by chance, I discovered that Steam was offering large discounts on their PC games.   When I searched their online catalogue (two days ago) I came across a high number of Japanese Anime games…that were clearly designed for adults (Not X Rated).  The game play images were sufficient to activate my addiction pathways.  On that occasion I gave it only a ‘passing look’ and purchased the game I actually wanted.  Clearly, I failed to recognise, then, the danger that even a small amount of ‘interest’ could be to me later…Today!

So my anime search term returned a large number of interesting hits / videos.  I began to look down the list seeking something I knew I would like…but would not involve nakedness.  This is a little permission giver I often use to get around the impurity aspect of sin.  If they have clothes on and are not acting sexually how can I possibly be committing sin???

Clearly this is a self deception and is wrong.  This is another gateway I must pass through on my ski slope.  Then I slapped myself hard – literally…and stopped.  I turned off the computer and said my morning prayers.

Did I feel relief in doing this – NO.  But I chose to do it instead of committing to sinful acts.

It is now 10.30am and I still want to go back to my anime search because I did notice a few video clips / titles that looked like stuff I would like.  Hence I am  now writing about my temptations and struggles to resist.  It has probably been a good 5 weeks since I have last faced such a determined attack and I have no doubt the rest of the day will continue in the same way.  So what do I do next?

You tell me…

I must chose to say ‘NO’ and surround myself by people and activities.  Certainly until a sense of true self control returns…and it will.

Honest 🙂

Say an extra prayer for me today please (and donate it if you can)

Yours in Jesus, Mary & Joseph

SA James