If I have an itch, should I scratch it?
It’s 11.34pm and everyone has gone to bed. I had Mass earlier today and feel good about myself. My stomach is still full after a big family roast and I am in a state of grace. Life really couldn’t feel better, could it?
This itch is irritating because it isn’t real yet – does that make sense? I want to scratch and feel that satisfaction but I know there is nothing there. I also know from experience that once I start scratching I won’t stop until the wound forms and starts to bleed…
At the moment my addiction is ‘in the distance’. The frustration I have is the knowledge that it would feel great to satisfy the urge and scratch. That is why I started to write this blog – I don’t want to scratch. I want everyone who reads this to know that my itch is just as real as theirs. I am not just someone preaching from the pulpit.
One of the reasons I stopped attending my first support group was because of their policy on starting off meetings by declaring how many days they had been ‘dry’ for. I found myself minimising the ‘slip ups’ in my recovery, reassuring myself that they didn’t really count against my growing number of ‘dry’ days. As other members of the group told of the joy at having resisted pornography, I would feel weak at my failure – so I lied to them. Of course in some meetings a fellow addict would follow up my ‘success story’ by truthfully admitting his own fall from grace…
Right now I am avoiding the itch by confessing to you all that I want to scratch. I am sat all alone, with everyone asleep, in front of my computer. Is that really a smart idea? When I was younger I wanted to be a journalist – I loved to write about things and people. It was a passion for me and that is why I am doing this website now. This is my primary distraction…this is how I cope with addiction. It has taken me a very long time to discover the ‘bit of me’ that sexual addiction silenced. One of the first things to get killed by endless days of pornography is your imagination and motivation – certainly for me. Things not related to fulfilling the lust get relegated…then forgotten. I will never know if I could have been a scoop reporter for a major media giant.
I have sat tapping away for about half an hour and truthfully feel quite tired. My itch has gone and it is now time for bed. It would be sensible to do just that and finish this off in the morning. I now know that pride comes before a fall, before an itch – so in all humility, thank you for listening when I needed it. Good night…
Just got up and the itch is back…but a little stronger. I knew it would get worse when I was writing this article last night. For me, things are always hardest just after Mass. You would think that would be when we are at our strongest – when we are most ‘full of Grace’.
