Day 88 – My Daily Diary

Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016

The figure in brackets represents the number of times fallen since starting the diary.  Each time I started again I would go back to Day 0.  I am not releasing these entries in any particular order – just guided by the Holy Ghost. (I hope)

DAY 88 (-1):

I don’t see much point in writing this down.   It isn’t good and I don’t feel that motivated to say how I feel.   I should be pleased that I lasted as long as I did…but I’m not.  I can’t even pretend that I have much desire to get back on the wagon.   I watched porn most of yesterday and some of the day before.  That means I lasted 86 days.  I don’t feel much like celebrating.  My family are home and they have no idea I failed.   All smiles and I just feel sick – yet I still feel certain that I will watch porn tomorrow.  WHY?

I stopped saying any prayers – what’s the point.  All these prayers were useless in the end…it was really only a question of when – not if!  If I was honest this has been coming for about 3 weeks.  It has only been circumstances that has kept me sober.  My wife would tell me that was the Holy Ghost and my guardian angel.  Who knows??

I have no excuses this time.  I’m not depressed and I’m not stressed about anything.   I was following a strong prayer routine and I was talking to my sponsor from SA.   I just gave in.  Two days ago I bought some female garments and sat down to find my favorite pornography movies.  It was that easy and truthfully, I felt great.  No guilt – just enjoying those old pleasures and buzzes.   Sure, I kept having to keep an eye out for any unexpected family visits – they can happen often in my household.  I think that is half the thrill – the risk of getting caught.  Not that it was much fun when I did get caught once before…

I did try to say an Act of Contrition yesterday but when I looked at  Our Lord on the cross suffering, I had to stop.  I felt such a hypocrite – I wasn’t really making a firm amendment to stop.  I knew there was  3 more weeks before I was next able to go to Mass – I  was never going to make a real effort of stopping with that sort of ‘gap’ ahead.  Anyway, the clothes cost me nearly £20.  I’ve destroyed too much stuff only to buy it again.  Perhaps I should keep the stuff this time – in the loft of course…just in case.  It would save me money if I fell again!

I didn’t sleep much last night – kept thinking I was going to die before getting absolution.  I also felt guilty that I was unable to offer up prayers for the conversion of my sister.   Some people try to tell me that prayers still have value if you are not in a state of grace but my priest says different.  I know I should keep on praying and trust that God will dispose of them as He deems fit but…I don’t really want to when I am intending to sin again tomorrow.  I have the house to myself so what hope is there for me really?

I wish I hadn’t deleted all those saved pornography videos – it will take me weeks to find them all again.  Stupid when you consider that I will never actually watch them again.  I think I get more of a buzz collecting – it’s all about the anticipation I suppose.  Oh when is God going to cut me free and stop this addiction.  It’s not fair.  I can’t believe how much time I have wasted watching porn and dressing up.  The moment I give in all my ‘healthy’ motivations seem to disappear and I am just eaten up by desire.  I know it’s unhealthy and I know it will end in Hell.  I should care.

Reading this back I feel it has helped me.  I am being so selfish to everyone and seeing it in words makes it worse.  I have wasted nearly 2 working days and money and prayers that my family need!  So I’ve decided I am going to stop again – if only to help my sister and gain her conversion.  I just wish I could get to confession before next Saturday.  I need to pray hard…and get rid of those clothes now.  I will write again soon – back on the wagon but happy!