Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016
DAY 82:
I am feeling so restless. It is unusually cold today – despite it being the middle of summer. I have loads of things that I need to do and yet I can’t seem to concentrate. I know what the problem is – pornography. It’s so stupid. The last 4 weeks I have barely thought about it and I certainly don’t feel that desire that I used to have. It wasn’t that long ago that I felt like I was being poked with a hot iron by the devil. No…at the moment it is a really difficult feeling to describe.
Even though I don’t feel that necessity to feed my pornography addiction anymore; it still seems to have a hold on me. I’ve been here before – 3 months without falling. I no longer get that sense of false pride of having ‘beaten it’. I know much better now. I know I will never beat it, but I also recognise I now no longer ‘crave it’. Probably difficult to understand if you have not experienced addiction before. Not long ago all I would have to do is close my eyes and I could see the porn scenes play out in front of me. Now, I don’t remember the scenes – well not without a lot of effort! I don’t go there…
So why am I struggling to think of anything but pornography. I keep sitting at the keyboard in front of my PC daring myself to type in some of my favorite search phrases. Thankfully – I had my wife set up filter blocks to keep the children safe. I deliberately chose not to ask for the password. I really wish I had it now! I have lots of distractions and a rigid prayer routine – I AM NOT BORED!! So why do I feel like I’m going to fall at any moment? Surely, I have carried this cross long enough without it being lifted off my shoulders? That’s exactly what I feel right this moment. I really feel like Im going to give in – it’s crazy. I really don’t need it.
This is all about proper use of consent. I am now in that phase where I want to give in – but I dont actually need to. I call it the ‘selfish phase’. This is all about me right now. I want the pleasure, I want the thrill. Right now I am telling myself that it would be okay to submit because I know that I can try again afterwards. I know that Father will give me absolution and even commend me for my fortitude. He will probably praise me for working so hard to abstain then say a few words about the sneakiness of the devil. Isn’t it horrible that I can so easily predict how ‘forgiveness’ will play out!
I sound just a little bit presumptive right now.
You see, so far, God has always allowed me the opportunity to get to confession and to obtain forgiveness. What is really stopping me now is that very ‘certainty’. That presumption that I will get the chance…or not.
I hate writing this diary – terrible idea. All it does is make me think about how unfair life is to me. Hence I call it my selfish phase. I just can’t stop thinking about watching pornography. I really wish I had someone I could talk to who understood what I was feeling right now. Mind, even if there was someone, I probably wouldn’t call anyway. I have a mentor given to me by Sexaholics Anonymous but he would only tell me stuff I already know. Anyway, he didn’t reply to my last text call for help and I only have to look back 3 months to see the result. He is probably lying about being clean for 5 years anyway – that’s not possible. I only managed 3 years because I was at sea for so long.
I wish I was at sea now!!
