Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016
(This is the final entry in the Daily Diary series. I hope the purpose of these excerpts have become clear but if not…let me tell you. I cannot beat this addiction alone and neither will you. My successes – if you can describe them that way – are merely examples of how long I have ‘held my breath’. At no time during this period of fighting did I ever turn to my wife, priest or support circle when in trouble. I did turn to them when I was ‘on top’, when I was addiction free. When I was a success story…
This last entry is a tragedy of self deception. And it didn’t take place too long ago! Men of Hope commenced as a direct result of this last failure. Yet still, I can see the same patterns emerge from those who have tried the Fellowship. Nobody cries out for help when they are in need. Nobody is truly honest about the scope of their problem. When all is going well then the Fellowship seems great, but when the chips start to crumble – this is not where you turn.
Pornography is a tool used by the devil but invented by man…for man. It is a perversion of God’s Will. It will lead you, and those nearest you, to disordered thought and potentially, hell. It is not something to ‘dabble’ with occasionally – it is the snake. It will bite you and you will die. You cannot pretend that you are in control. That you only use pornography ‘once or twice’ – that ‘it’s not a problem’. You must take your head out of the sand. Even a small amount of pornography is dangerous.
Terms like sexual addiction scare us and embarrass us. We refuse to accept them. Sexual perversions shame and silence us. That is why the devil will always win. Defeat pride and allow humility to prosper; then maybe, we can succeed together. Until you become willing to share your struggles and weaknesses Men of Hope will fail you. Men of Hope is about Fellowship; sharing both the pains of failure and the joys of success. I am not here to judge how badly you fall, I only care that you keep on trying to get up.
My Spiritual Director grew tired of my silence. He grew tired of my ‘going it alone’. Stop struggling alone and stop feeling shame in being truthful about your weakness. None of us want to sin and none of us want to tell each other our failures…
This is not a competition between men. It is a battle to save our souls!)
DAY 219 (-15):
I am NOT in a State of Grace…and I really don’t care. I don’t feel sad, I don’t miss God…in fact, I don’t even know if he really cares anyway. I had no reason to watch pornography – I just did. It was great and I didn’t even feel despair at the end. I just watched more. I felt a little bit disappointed when I saw my wife and I didn’t like that I had to lie about what I did most of the day. Better she doesn’t know as it would only upset her.
I enjoy cycling through all of those pornography pages. I enjoy the thrill so why should I stop. I’m not really hurting anyone anyway. I don’t see much point in praying and I’m definitely not going to call anybody – I don’t need them telling me how to live my life. They don’t really understand why I am the way I am. They just boast about how holy and sanctimonious they are – how long they have been ‘dry’ for. They are probably all telling lies anyway – hypocrites!!
I know I will have to give this up soon because I do believe in hell…and I am Catholic…and I really don’t enjoy missing the Mass and Sacraments. Maybe next week…
(This last entry was written in early 2017. It was only my wife catching me out ‘again’ that forced me to except the truth. I needed help. That doesn’t mean I am cured now – I just accept that alone I will always deceive myself into sin. I embrace my weakness in humility not in shame. I recognise that without truth their is failure.
That is what we all need to embrace. We must not be scared or shamed about telling others of our desire to sin.)
So true. I hate myself and I can’t stop watching porn. I’m catholic and have a family but we don’t get to Mass much. I wouldn’t dare tell my friends – they would probably say I’m joking and laugh. Its horrible really. I cant tell anyone. I don’t really know a priest that I could talk to – they never seem to have much time. I looked at one of those SA groups but I didnt have the courage to call. I suppose Im writing because it helped to read that someone else felt exactly the same as me.
I go to the Novus Ordo – is that a problem??