Day 18/19 – More of the same

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After a beautiful Mass yesterday with the Feast of The Immaculate Conception it is back to the tedium of the 40 day challenge and completion of my Purity Novena.   I came out of Mass having thanked Our Lady for the gift of ongoing purity and I felt free.  In fact, I had no great desire to keep on with my daily updates.  I really don’t need to do them anymore – I have completed them several times already.  It is not like anybody is taking notice of them – so who am I really helping?
STOP RIGHT THERE!
It’s me I’m helping and that is why I keep on going through the same old boring routines.  Regular online chats with my mentor…going over the same old stuff…but staying in touch.  That is the key to true honesty and the first way of defeating the devil.  Healthy (but boring) routine keeps me safe. My soul matters and I refuse to let apathy or laziness send me right back to the gates of hell.  It is that serious to me and I have come to recognise that as a sexual addict this ‘tedious’ battle is a life long commitment.  So I keep on doing my crypt chats and my Self Help units – with my mentor.  He never seems bored and at least he can tell when I need extra help…
It is okay to get tired of these challenges and lessons – but don’t ever take them for granted.  The devil hates you working against him.  He is more than happy to trick you into complacency by leaving you alone for a few weeks…or months (as he has done with me countless times).
Today is my warning to you all.  BEWARE of thinking you don’t need help or you ‘have it beaten’.  Don’t give up on the Fellowship.  You will not win this fight on your own – you will just get better at convincing yourself you’ve nearly ‘got this porn beaten’.
My Conclusion:
Read these two challenges if you are serious about giving up.  Then discuss them with your mentor by arranging another chat session.  The word accountability comes up regularly in these challenges – there is a good reason why!  Time and time again we forget to be honest with others and with ourselves…
Sometimes I start to bang the drum and many of you may feel I’m being condescending and treating you as children.  I don’t apologise because time and time again ‘I’ acted as a child to those I wanted help from.  I took for granted everything they tried to offer me.  I took when I needed and never gave anything back.  I secretly felt I didn’t need help once I had got through my first chat and read a few units.  I was never hearing anything new, so why waste all that time?
It is true – there is nothing new in these Self Help Units or 40-Day challenges.  Why shouldn’t you be able to do it alone – it’s a lot less embarrassing when you don’t have to admit repeat failures to somebody else.  But that is the key to success.  The recovery starts with true honesty, humility and trust.  You must  trust your mentor to the point that you are not afraid to let him know you are struggling.  Unfortunately, this is usually the point when most of us throw our hands in the air and tell ourselves,
‘Maybe tomorrow…’
I continue to pray for the Fellowship and trust that with God’s help you will all learn to work ‘together’ and not flounder as sticks in a raging stream.  Occasionally making contact when you happen to touch the river bank before being sucked away AGAIN…
Yours in Jesus, Mary & Joseph
SA James

3 thoughts on “Day 18/19 – More of the same”

  1. Fr Nicholas

    An inspiring post, sajames! There is no doubt that the most difficult thing for perseverance in recovery is learning how to ‘flatline’ after the rollercoaster of addiction. Mastering normality is at the heart of overcoming any addiction for good.

  2. sajames

    Thanks for the comments and for providing the idea for my next Self Help Unit – The New Normal. This is the time when we really need to look at ourselves and decide what must change. We need to look at how we are going to make this ‘new normal’ challenging and exciting…

  3. Moh

    Thanks for the write up SAJames, very helpful! I get complacent all the time so it’s good to know I’m not the only one.

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