Day 110 – My Daily Diary

Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016

(I have deliberately chosen four entries that were written during a  period of repetitive sin in 2016.  I want everyone to recognise that I am no better or worse than them.  I have been weak and have sinned ‘on and off’ for most of my life.  I am human…but that never means I should give up / give in.  This last entry shows a definite break through – maybe a lifetime answer?  It has kept me close to God and given me a means to overcome temptation.  Maybe it will help you?)

DAY 110 (-8):

It has been 10 days since my last fall and I am in a State of Grace…

I was too busy watching pornography to update my diary – hence my fall count is now at 8.  I was watching pornography the Monday after confession – I can’t pretend I tried very hard to avoid it.  I knew I was not going to be at Mass the following Sunday so I suddenly decided to ‘make the most of it’.  That is how I generally fall – I plan for the times when I am not going to Mass…maximise the period of pornography abuse.  No fight really takes place when I make this decision.  I guess I just gamble that I will make it through to confession at some point before I die.  Pretty bleak when you think how willing I am to sell my soul for short term pleasures!

I was going to write about the depression I have between days of pornography.  The time when you hate yourself and hate God.  When all I can do is think about my next ‘viewing time’.  Lies and deception and self abuse – they really hurt.  But I didn’t stop for 5 days.  I watched over 25 hours of porn in that time.  I thought of nobody else and worse – I stopped praying.  What was the point, I had no intention of truly stopping.  There was still 8 more days and I had a weekend alone ahead of me.  I literally gave in to the devil and to my lower desires.  He didn’t even have to trick me to sin.

Over that period I lied to my family and I stopped caring for them.  All I wanted was to sit in front of the computer.  I stopped working on my business and I stopped praying for people that needed me.  My sin was all consuming and I didn’t care – but I never do when I am in that cycle of destruction.  So what changed me this time?

The Friday before my family went away someone close to us died.  My wife had us saying rosaries and novenas to help and she asked that whilst they were away I continue the novena.  I had no option but to lie to her – but God knew my prayers were worthless.  Then it struck me – my missing prayers could be all that seperated my dead friend from Hell and Heaven.  I was so useless and of course I fell into self loathing and despair.  No thoughts for the death or the family – just ‘poor old me’…again.  But, that next morning, I was in the confessional queue again.  The same visiting priest heard my confession and he listened as I honestly told him of my sins.  He reminded me that this cross was a difficult one but implored me to seek help.

I left the confessional absolved of my sins and once more in a State of Grace.  I immediately said my penance and began to pray for my friend.  When I got home I made all the changes needed to ensure I could not access pornographic material again.  I destroyed the female clothing I had been wearing and I spent some time meditating on how my selfishness affected others.  My worthless prayers were real and they had a negative effect on another soul.  This sin was bigger than me.  I then thought about the calmness I felt and how much I sought it.  Surely that desire for Grace could be made a more powerful addiction to chase??

And that’s what I am doing – continually chasing after the ‘calm’ of Grace.  Every temptation I feel or see makes me think about the loss of Grace.  It is only 10 days but for that time I have had no worries or fears of discovery.  I have been able to pray for people and for myself.  I am constantly closing my eyes and remembering how good it felt receiving absolution, how good it felt approaching the Sacrament and how good it felt not lying to my wife…or kids.  Perhaps this will be the solution to my sexual addiction – replacing it with a stronger one?  Is this what is really meant by putting all our trust in God?

Time will tell…