My Ski Slope to Sin

Just the Obstacles are Different!

This is the first of a series of articles I intend to post showing the steps I have taken to try and overcome my pornography addiction.  These articles are ‘real’ and in some instances the circumstances may be quite difficult for me to discuss.  I would ask that if anybody feels the need to reply they show appropriate levels of understanding.  Never forget, we are all going through the same journey – just the obstacles are different!

Triggers & Consents:

I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide – ‘I think I will watch a bit of porn today…’

It was a series of developing sexual occasions that ended with me watching pornography.  I certainly don’t have an extra chromosome that made me view it.  Most of my life I spent blaming others, blaming circumstances and even blaming God – that would be because of the extra chromosome he gave me!!  What is important to recognise is no amount of ‘pointing fingers’ helped me to stop.  In fact all IT did was provide me some easy ‘permission givers’ to continue sinning.  (This will be the subject of another article)

If you want to stop then you must identify that ‘thing’ or ‘things’ that starts the porn cycle.  Most of us will already know what that is.  Being blunt, it will be the thought or object or action that we seek when we are feeling vulnerable.  I use that word because I have been in every state of mind, positive and negative, yet still chosen to continue.  What is true is that we must make several key decisions before committing the act – the sin.

I found the process easier to understand by representing my choices as gates on a downhill ski run.  Each gate must be navigated successfully to avoid a fall.  With each gate traversed the speed increases and the risk of falling escalates – sound familiar?  Whether this analogy appeals or not, the points I raise are critical to build your defence against future sexual sins.

This is why it is so important to carry out a thorough and honest evaluation of yourself and your life.  We can discuss how to approach this in another article because there are some obvious risks with ‘writing’ down sexual thoughts or events!  They in themselves can become occasions of sin and down the slope we go…

Each of the arrows show a defining thought or action which I represent as a ‘gate’.  You may have more or less gates but I will highlight the key gates of my ski slope:

Gate 1 – When I accidentally or deliberately think about or see my trigger (Item of female clothing)

This could occur when dozing or daydreaming about the item.  By watching a media program where this item is being worn.  Seeing the item for sale when shopping.  Being in a location, accidentally or deliberately, where I can see the item being worn.  Talking or thinking about the item or something / someone associated with it.  The list of occasions is vast in truth…but all are dangerous triggers.

Gate 2 – By ignoring the ‘3 second rule’ I allow myself a moment to ‘enjoy’ the occasion whilst under the false notion that I am in control.  I have a belief that I will stop this behaviour before it is a sin. (Self deception)

Gate 3 – The body reacts to my thoughts and emotions. The brain produces Dopamine because it recognises what will come next!  This is the first true occasion when things are taken out of my control and the point when the slope gets steeper and harder to steer.

Gate 4 – I feel anticipation, excitement and a desire to continue.  I am observably uncomfortable, edgy and will probably appear distracted to others near me.  I will be unable to focus on whatever I am doing.  I am now considering how to be alone and whether I can put the female item on. Nothing else matters and I will tell lies!

Gate 5 – This is the point at which things are won or lost.  This is when I have to fight all those chemicals rushing around my head causing my pleasure centres to cry out for satisfaction.  This is the time when I either follow ‘my will’ or ‘God’s will’.  This is the point when I start using permission givers to shift the blame before I finally consent. E.g. it’s not my fault…God made me want to wear this item… or… My wife doesn’t understand my needs.

Gate 6 – This is usually simultaneous with gate 5 as the anticipation of what I am battling feeds its own excitement levels. The brain now injects testosterone and other chemicals normally required for the ‘sexual act’.  At this moment I have no desire to turn away from commencing the impure activity.  This is what I call ‘the rush’.

Gate 7 – I sometimes get a small feeling of guilt or fear realising that I am now consenting to a sin.  Though the drop is near vertical I have on occasion managed to turn away – normally as a result of an unexpected intervention.

“Hello dear – you’re home early…”

Gate 8 – The sexual behaviour will always focus on my trigger item.  About 90% of the time it is linked to viewing pornography associated with this item.  It always ends in masturbation.  This always ends in guilt and despair.

Variables:

The red line represents the point of ‘no return’ where any thoughts of God have been dismissed.

It is worth considering how this red line shifts ‘up and down’ the slope, dependent on emotional, physical and spiritual states (Blue arrow).  This is critical in understanding your condition in relation to adapting your defences and shield.  These variables should never be taken lightly.

I have had countless occasions when the red line is literally seconds after Gate 1.  On these occasions I am often already in a state of mortal sin or I know I will be home alone and the opportunity for confession will be available before my next Mass.  I can be tired or unable to sleep or have high sexual desire.  Many factors can change the position of that red line and often that is what catches me out.

So, it’s time for you to sit down and really pull your life apart on paper…

Good Luck and hopefully this can be discussed further on Crypt Chat.

Your in Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

SA James