Crypt Chat Session 26 – Meet Our Newest Member

What a few months this has been for me!

I have been heavily engaged working with two members of the Fellowship, supporting them as they worked through the Stage 1 Units.  Each session normally takes between 2 – 3 hours and requires a fair amount of hard work and perseverance.  The commitment to not give in to daily temptations or to get back up when they have failed is truly a testament to their faith in God and themselves. I have only praise and encouragement for the hard work they continue to do.  Thank you 🙂

Today I have permission to reproduce the ‘first account’ given by our latest member Zachary (Alias).  His first chat session took place last night and I must admit was pretty hard work.  He was honest and in despair for his future and his faith.  He knew his life was out of control yet his inability to accept he was a sexual addict stopped him from ever seeking ‘real’ help.  He has a family and is working within one of the UK Armed services.  He is in his 20’s and was signposted to Men of Hope by a local priest last Sunday.

At the end of our session he expressed a desire to help others recognise the peril of pornography abuse and wishes his session accounts to be available as an example to others.  This is a couragous decision but one he feels is neccesary if only to encourage more men to seek help rather than hide in the shadows of self-deception.  I have sanitised some aspects for obvious reasons.

“Hi my name is Zachary and I have struggled with pornography since before I can remember.  I am afraid of what I think about and I hate the things I watch.  My family tell me that all men struggle with sexual desires until they get married when the Sacrament helps eliminate such needs.  I got married pretty young to someone I met in Europe.  I didn’t tell her about the pornography and I definitely didn’t tell her I used to think about men.  I know I’m not gay because I like being with my wife – so I don’t really understand why I looked at that stuff?  It makes me feel sick even writing this down now.  I really don’t like men like that.

I first found pornography at a private catholic school in France.  Our family lived all over the place so I ended up boarding.  It was okay but I did miss my mum and brothers.  My Dad was pretty strict and said I needed to get a solid catholic education if I was to be able to ‘fight’ the modern world? I didn’t know what he meant but who argues when they are a kid.  I had a few school mates and it was one of them that showed me some videos on his phone.  I didn’t even know such things existed – but I knew I like watching it.  When I was alone I found myself searching for what I had seen.  I never found the same movies but what I did get was mind blowing.  I was still pretty young – ten or eleven.  I learnt about masturbation watching others do it in the movies.   Once that started it just got worse and worse.

My mates said I was too weird because of how much I watched.  I couldnt work out why they didnt seem to need it as much as me and I was too scared to ask my parents or priests.  Confession became really hard because I had to start lying because I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried.  Dad got so angry because he couldn’t work out why I kept breaking or losing my mobile.  I dare not tell him the real reason.  I hated school and I did pretty badly and as soon as I left I joined the military.  It was great because most of the guys thought just like I did and watched stacks of pornography.  Deep down I knew some of the stuff we were watching was pretty evil – but none of us seemed to understand.

Anyway you probably hear this all the time.  After I got married I found I could stop thinking so much about pornography – I thought it was true about the sacrament…I was cured.  Then I went overseas again and the desire for porn returned almost immediately.  It was like a thirst and I wanted more and more to keep me happy.  I noticed there were a lot less guys interested in that stuff so I became really secretive.  When I got back home I promised myself that I would stop.  That promise was broken within 4 days of seeing my wife.  I started getting up late at night to watch porn on my ‘hidden’ tablet.  This went on for a few years and I didnt think she knew – wrong!!  Last week our Society priest visited us and suggested to me that I might like to consider doing a general confession.  I nearly died on the spot and my wife was actually crying when she went out to look after the kids.

There is so much more to my life but after speaking to the priest he suggested that I make contact and try and get some support.  I was so embarrassed at having to talk to him about my sinning.  I still wasn’t able to mention the stuff about watching men but hopefully the confession was covered by admitting to impure thoughts and activity.  I looked at the site a few days ago and listened to the TedX talk.  I couldn’t accept that I was such a person as being described by that woman – everyone thinks I am so virtuous and upstanding. What a hypocrite I am.  All I want to do right now is watch porn and I really can’t believe that this feeling is going to stop.  I hate myself and now I can’t even look my wife and kids in the eye without feeling shame and disgust at myself.

I accept that I cannot change without God’s help and ask in all humility for that to take place. I last attended Mass on Sunday and had confession Monday.”

I had to wait about 40 minutes before Zachary sent his account but it was worthy of the wait.  His account is no different to mine or indeed many of those within the Fellowship.  What ‘triggers’ our lust may vary but our addiction to pleasure is the same.  I have no doubt that the next 3 to 4 months will be problematic as we try to work through each of the Self Help Units – but at least Zachary is trying to change his behaviours by coming out of the dark.

I would like to thank Zachary for letting me use this account and also emphasise to other members that being able to contribute to Men of Hope in such a public way is also meritorious and central to the core ideals of the Fellowship.  I know that someone will read Zachary’s account and be motivated by it – he may be the reason that someone finds their way back into full communion with God.

Yours in Jesus, Mary & Joseph

SA James