Day 170 – My Daily Diary

Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016

(I have selected this entry not to deter but to remind us all that the devil will continue to deceive us.  The intervening days have been fairly trouble free so are of little use for the aims of this site…)

DAY 170 (-8):

It has been 70 days since my last fall and I am in a State of Grace…

When you write it in words it doesn’t seem much of a victory.  In truth, I feel more vulnerable now than I have for ages.  During the intervening period I have had a retreat in Orkney and started to work on a more ‘robust’ strategy to deal with this addiction.  My spiritual director has suggested I write something down and consider being proactive in helping others.  It sounds like a great idea but I am not really sure I have the strength of will to follow through on my own recovery.  I would hate to feel responsible for another person’s struggle or fall!

Father didn’t push the idea but I know what he is like and I have this sad resignation that he has (in union with God) decided how I may be of use to others in this fight against pornography.  He thinks I may have all the right experiences to be an example to others – some example!!  Though, the idea of being able to give something back after all that I have taken is appealing.  Anyway he is going to think more on it and I have promised to write an article about my addiction / recovery.

I have done quite a lot of work with other groups like the Samaritans and I am working with SA at the moment.  I think the issue I really have is that when the moment comes to say ‘no’ the instant reaction I have is to hide from others and not submit to their help.  That is why I find the SA group so pointless.   To me it is just a bunch of guys chatting about how much they want to stop but with no God centered approach to actually achieving it.  I am scared to call my sponsor because I know what he is going to say – but I don’t really want to stop.  It’s still hard to admit that truth.  Every week we spout out how hard we have fought and boast about how many days we have been ‘dry’.  Nobody ever mentions failure or having called their sponsor up.  It just seems to me to be a group of addicts fighting alone in the same room…

No – I think what is really needed is a stronger call to catholic tradition.  It should be easy for ‘us’.  After all – masturbation, pornography, lust are all mortal sins and will send us to hell.  You would think that would be enough of a deterrent…but clearly it isn’t for me.  I can only reason that I don’t actually believe God would really send me to eternal damnation.  Which of course he doesn’t, as Father reminds me regularly. We send ourselves in spite of God’s love.  So maybe I might think on something that is based loosely on SA but works on the precepts of the Church?

The biggest problem in tradition is most of us know each other.  So anything I do sort out has to be anonymous – even voice chat would be risky and a hindrance to honesty.  All in God’s time I suppose.

So is writing this diary helping me?  The temptation is still strong and the will is weak.  I feel like I have  a big exam tomorrow my stomach is doing cartwheels.  I also recognise I am acting a little more distracted – less receptive to my kids and wife.  I call it the shakes.  I am just doing everything possible to occupy my time at the moment.  Anything that will bring the clock closer to my kids getting home.  I do feel less anxious than when I started writing and I have used up nearly an hour thinking this entry through.  I just feel like I am walking a tightrope or peering over a cliff edge that is crumbling.

Maybe I will let other addicts read this entry one day.  I think the hardest aspect of asking for help is the knowledge that they are probably ‘better than me’ at overcoming pornography – they certainly sound better.  Maybe reading my entries will help others see the truth.  That I am always fighting and that though I may go through periods of peace I have never defeated temptation.  I need to work harder at not being afraid to tell others I am weak and close to sin.  I need to destroy the shame I associate with this sin.  I need to trust more.

I feel like I am rambling a bit now so I will sign off for today.  The last entry I wrote was about 10 days ago and it was only one line.

“I think I have got this beaten – I feel so at peace and have no need for porn anymore.”

I don’t feel so at peace anymore!!