Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016
DAY 95 (-3):
I don’t know how I feel right now? I have stopped trying to be clever with how I represent days etc. It is much easier for me to just show the days my diary has been running and put the falls in brackets. I have added another one because yesterday, despite my last entry, I looked at some images and planned to stay in sin for at least 2 more weeks. Can you believe that! Yep, I planned for 2 weeks of sin. My family are all away next weekend so I won’t have to go to Mass – well they won’t know I didn’t go. So, with how I was feeling yesterday I gave up trying to ‘give up’ and decided I didn’t stand much chance if I was alone. You all know how the argument goes…
This morning I was moody and everyone could tell something was bothering me. They all ended up going out and leaving me to stew in my own negativity! Ideal I thought as I decided to use the time to find a decent porn down-loader off the internet. I was going to get set up for my 2 weeks of pornography collecting / viewing. I can’t really explain why but I started to think about Mass tomorrow – I was going to pretend to be sick. Whenever I plan my periods of sin I already know I have to maximise the opportunity because once cornered back to Mass then confession will require me to destroy everything sinful in my possession. My life has been one big vicious circle of collection and destruction!
Anyway, I kept thinking that it might be a good idea to go to the confessional locally. No idea where that idea was coming from but eventually I walked into town and found myself in the penitents queue. Which consisted of just me. I think it is the one thing that saddens me most – even more than my continual sinning. Nobody seems to value Mass or recognise the importance of confession. Hypocritical of me to be thinking that way bearing in mind what my plans were!!
Whilst waiting for the priest to arrive I started to question why I was bothering. In my head I didn’t have any ‘firm intention’ to amend my ways. In fact, I still felt certain I would be watching pornography within a few days. I was also nervous about having to disclose the cross dressing aspect of my sin. I find it so embarrassing as a man. It is much easier admitting to watching impure stuff. Pride! I was also worried that the priest would only give me conditional absolution – that would force me out of my plans…and I didn’t really want that to happen. Can you believe the stuff I was seriously thinking – that’s what addiction does to me. That’s how the devil always gets in.
The priest was new – that worried me instantly. Who knows how he was going to advise me. My fear was he would make me commit to something that took me away from sin. Are you hearing what I am saying right now? Is this the words of a true penitent or a sinful manipulator? I nearly got up to leave – fully convinced that any confession would be invalid anyway. Might be better not to add to the growing list of sins I thought ‘responsibly’. See how easily I can spin a web of lies and half truths to justify my lack of strength and faith in God.
I came out of the confessional changed. I was honest about my lack of intent and my fear for later sins. The priest told me to stop being selfish and asked me to concentrate on how I can make other peoples lives better rather than concentrate on my own needs. He reminded me that there is so much we can do with out time to help others and yet we waste it all in sinful activity. He recognised my sin as part of a bigger addiction and said I need help – he impressed upon me I would fail if I did not get support. Then he told me not to dwell on things that have not come to pass. Concentrate on ‘now’ and thank God that you have so many blessings. Do not think of sins that have not been committed – God may ensure the temptation never happens.
So I sit here wondering what will happen next. I am happy that I went to confession and even happier that I don’t need to lie to my family about not attending Mass tomorrow. I still have fears that a fall is imminent but I do realise that when I sin I shut myself off from everyone else. I just have to trust in God and believe that I have the strength to do that which is right. I don’t want to be a sinner and I don’t want to be an addict either. I do need to get help – I think it is time for another retreat with Father N. I just hate being a disappointment to him…
