Diary of Addiction – An account from 2016
DAY 0:
It’s 2am and I have been watching pornography since I finished my dinner – 6 hours ago. My family are away for the long-weekend and this is the second night of a prolonged binge. I have one more day before they return and I won’t bother attending Mass – it would be hypocritical. I am wearing a dress and make-up and have been holding off from ‘that’ moment for many hours. I have over 20 tabs open – all showing different ‘click bait’ images with a collage of choice. The majority of the subjects appal me – yet most have been viewed tonight.
There is also a number of tabs displaying warning notifications. They used to really scare me. I actually believed the FBI would learn about my searches and come crashing through the door one day. Now I just ignore them and I certainly don’t click on the messages they display to restart my computer. It is just another aspect of the pornography scam. If you do anything with the messages it freezes your computer and gets in the way of viewing the internet.
I don’t want to end this cycle because I know how I will feel. I am still looking for that perfect scene – the one I always try to find – but never do. I get close and these are bookmarked on my ‘secret’ word document. I call it secret because it is saved under my Football Manager files – my wife would never stumble on that. She has no idea I am still watching porn. She has discovered stuff in the past but believes it was just an accident – something some friends looked at one night. As for the cross dressing? That’s another lie…
I start to download yet another short video to my expanding list of files. I am going to edit them into one ‘super’ movie that has none of the filth I hate – just my secret pleasure. I am feeling tired but I am still alert enough to keep track of my browsing history. My wife has an unsettling habit of innocently opening the history tab to find details of searches she has done in the past. I know she finds the missing chunks of internet history suspicious – but she doesn’t say anything to me. I think she believes one of our sons is doing it?
It’s 3am and I have a pounding headache and my eyes ache so I stop for coffee. I like being able to walk around the house in my dress without the fear of being discovered. I enjoy the feeling of walking outside – the thrill of being in public…even if everyone is asleep. My addiction makes me a risk taker and that’s why I know I must stop. I have faced the embarrassment of being seen by people when I have pushed the ‘boundaries’ too far. It sends a chill down my spine, but an anger accompanies it! I should be allowed to wear what I want in public. They shouldn’t make me feel ashamed!
It’s 4am and I very nearly got caught by the police. I had to hide in a neighbours front garden for fear of them seeing me in a dress. Who knows what they would have thought I was up to? It was just a routine patrol I suppose or maybe one of the neighbours had seen me and called them? It doesn’t bear thinking about. I return my attention to the screen and quickly resume my ‘watch and search’ routine. Then it happens – not planned and not even on an image I like. I hate myself…what a waste.
I look at the time and shudder with disgust. I have been doing this for 8 hours…and for what! The moment was nothing like it used to be. In truth, it was disappointing – it wasn’t what I hoped. Worse, I am now feeling the pain of depression and self-hate. I have to clean up and in anger I take a pair of scissors to the dress. Twenty pounds wasted – twenty pounds that should have been spent on my family.
“NEVER AGAIN”, I shout out with deluded determination.
This has got to stop and I believe it will happen – this time. This time is probably the 1000th time I have made such a promise to myself. I will sort out the computer tomorrow morning, I will go to Mass and I will go to confession – so long it is not Father ****. He scares me, he asks too many questions. He knows me too well – he won’t be easy on me. Maybe I should wait until next week and go to the local priest on Saturday – he is so easy on me. I can be more honest with him…
It’s 5.30am and I can’t sleep. My head is flooded with impure images and I can’t switch them off. I am so tired and I just want to get some rest. I try to say a rosary but all I see is sexual stuff. I am itching and have aches all over. I get up to go to the bathroom and see the remains of the dress on the hallway floor. I kick it away in disgust. The computer is still on and the screen is flashing, the last searched page is visible. I know I shouldn’t look at it…but I do. I wish hadn’t destroyed that dress, I think as I sit down at the computer.
My will power is fading and I start to feel unhappy that the dress is ruined. I know I shouldn’t, but I decide now is a good time to start deleting the tabs and get the PC ready for my family’s return. It is risky but it is not like I’m going to look at pornography again – I’ve decided to stop for good. I barely get to closing the second of 34 tabs before I feel that familiar tingle in the pit of my stomach. As my attention returns to the screen my determination washes away – after all, I have another 5 hours before confession.
One more sin added to the list won’t matter now – will it?
Then I truly believe God intervened and the power went out. I waited a few minutes and then fell to my knees and said a humble Act of Contrition. Though I was tired, I recited the Sorrowful Mysteries and went back to bed. I slept with a clear mind and a firm resolve to follow through on my promise to God…this time!
DAY 1:
It has been 7 hours since I last viewed pornography and 1 hour since receiving absolution. I know the hard work is going to start now. It’s not like I haven’t tried to give up and go ‘cold turkey’ before…
Father has advised me to seek help with a support group because he thinks I have a sexual addiction problem? Never heard of that before. I will look into it and see what I can find. I have also decided to keep a diary to try and work out why and when I start to get temptations. My prayer routine is still terrible and all I want to do right now is look at pornography and wear a dress – some Father I make!
Read more of Day 1 soon…
(This is a true account of my daily struggle during 2016 – nothing has been changed)
My falls look actually the same (except fo a few details). I have a problem when i’m begging to fall. It starts from watching pictures of porn actress (not pornographic, they are still dressed). But it will happen that some pictures are pornographic and then i look away. And i’m watching it more often and i don’t look away so eagerly. Then i have dilemma wheter i committed mortal sin or not. Because i am not 100% sure “the best” way for me is to watch pornography. Then i’m really sure.