( This is entirely the product of Covenant Eyes and the only additions are ‘occasional’ remarks or comments I make in relation to key topics. I have corrected the US/UK spelling. This series has numerous links to other material and covers all aspects of pornography addiction. This is a US based approach and relies heavily on Scriptural Readings but I urge you to persist to benefit from the gold nuggets it contains.)
WHY IS INTERNET PORN SO ALLURING?
Psychologist Al Cooper said three factors play a role:
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It is accessible. There are literally millions of porn websites which can be accessed almost anywhere.
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It is affordable. Most people who view pornography only view the free material.
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It is anonymous. You can look at porn in the privacy of your home or office. No one has to know you are viewing it.
Like a three-legged stool, break the leg of anonymity and the allure of pornography collapses.
LETS START:
Introduction Video from Covenant Eyes
Download the 40 day Journal
The journal is well constructed and poses you 10 questions which you chart daily via a rating of 1 – 7.
You are also required to write down one ‘good’ point for that day based on the learning points.
Minor issue may relate to 3 questions covering bible / Gospel reading – but we really should do that daily.
DAY 1: Picking your partner.
Picking your accountability partner / using internet usage 3rd Party reporting.
“What has been the most tempting thing you have encountered this week?”
Finding harmful patterns or vulnerable times of the day – use partner to call at that time.
They must challenge NOT condemn. Must be trustworthy and can ask the tough questions.
DAY 2: Is it even possible to break free from porn?
Love is ‘giving’ whilst Lust is ‘taking’ – inherently selfish act.
Set goals a day at a time and never think of next month or next year.
Understanding that ‘struggling’ is a positive action and therefore not to be ashamed of.
Properly understood, this is an opportunity to ‘be a Saint’.
DAY 3: Six practical steps to quitting.
Education / Clean House / Close ‘all’ doors – plan for your worst / small realistic goals
How to flee temptation / Sexual Fasting / Positive motivations to quit – Vision Statement
DAY 4: The trigger & sequence to lust.
Stimulus or trigger / Emotion / 1st Thought / Chemical / Body Language / Battle / Behaviour
Honest review of step 1 will lead to finding your best defence.
The battle is all about removing your permission givers. “I’m going to give in anyway”
DAY 5: Why your resolution always fails.
Long article detailing how to stay motivated with various strategies, goals and thoughts.
Defines why we fail so often with resolutions and then looks at how to apply this properly to our porn addiction.
How to focus on rewards using Gospel passages or other motivational tips.
Read and digest!
DAY 6: The porn scar.
Discusses the dangers of secrecy and isolation and leading the double life!
Anonymity / Availability / Affordability – three legs of the stool for addiction. (Dr A. Cooper in the 90’s)
Video has two accounts – female and male.
DAY 7: Purity Battle Plan
The personal purity plan (Steps to combat addiction and triggers)
DAY 8: Blame it on the brain!
The porn cycle. (The science behind our compulsive behaviour)
DAY 9: Is porn addictive?
Is porn addictive? Lots of stuff based on the science of addiction.
Led me to viewing further material by by Dr Donald Hilton.
DAY 10: How Porn destroys your willpower. (A key lesson!!)
Here are some helpful tips for avoiding pornography
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Redirection – When you feel the urge, get into the habit of distracting yourself with another activity that you can start immediately.
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Avoid All External Triggers – Remember, you’ve carved a grand-canyon-sized gorge of neural circuits in your mind. It is easy for everyday experiences to become triggers.
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Avoid Internal Triggers – External triggers are things you experience in the world. Internal triggers are emotions or states of mind.
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Avoid SUDs – “Seemingly Unimportant Decisions.” These are the rationalizations you say to yourself to get you one step closer to porn. “I’m just going to see what’s on TV.” “I’m just going to check my e-mail.” “I’m just going to get on Facebook.” Get honest with yourself and learn what your SUDs are. Be ruthless against these rationalizations.
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Avoid Inactivity – Fill up your social calendar to the brim. Refuse to give yourself an open window.
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Finish the Fantasy – When the thought of looking at porn enters your mind, immediately finish the fantasy.
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Destroy Fantasies – As a fantasy or thought enters your mind, picture the image being eliminated. Draw a red X over it. Smash it with a hammer.
DAY 11: Make them real and you will stop looking at women as slabs of meat.
The woman behind the ‘fantasy’ – Someone’s mother or sister…or daughter!! Use your empathy and consider how you would feel knowing someone was letching over your sister. Women forced to do things nobody should. Take drugs to survive. They hate it – imagine that next time!!
DAY 12: Porn and Sex Trafficking – The direct links
A series of reports with the direct effects of how porn fuels sex trafficking. Indicating that often porn is the prelude to prostitution (practice before the act?)
12 Day Summary – Flee from pornography
Over the last 12 days, we’ve been talking about the first strategy mentioned in 2 Timothy 2:22: run from. We must flee from sin and temptation. This means:
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We need to have a radical approach to sin: cutting away the things from our life that cause us to stumble.
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We need to know our triggers and prevent them.
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We need to have exit strategies for when temptation comes.
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We need to flee from habits of isolation and secrecy.
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We need to keep in mind our negative motivations. Who are we harming? How are we harming our own brains and bodies? How are we participating in an industry that sexually exploits others?
DAY 13: Taking your thoughts captive – the battle for your mind!
We each hold a ‘truth’ which we cling onto in our addiction – sometimes it is something we claim is ‘not our fault’. Hence we work alongside God as Catholics without actually battling that which destroys us. What lies keep the Gospel from dominating our thought life? What strongholds have been set-up in our mind, that hinder the sanctifying work of God in our life? What sinful thought fortresses reside in our head?
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Lies you tell yourself: I have to be perfect. I must be happy. I need people to agree with me. I can’t shake my past. I deserve better than this.
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Lies the world tells you: You must be true to yourself. You are number one. I’m only human; everybody does this.
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Lies you say in your marriage: It’s your fault. If I had not married you… You make me so mad. Why can’t you be like so and so? I wish I was like so and so.
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Lies that distort the Gospel: I must earn God’s love. God won’t protect me. God does not love me. I can do what I want and God will forgive me. If I were more spiritual I would not struggle like this. God will only bless me if I obey.
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Lies from the questions we ask: Does God really hear me? Does God really love me? Has God abandoned me? Why does God not stop the pain?
DAY 14: Better than porn.
What’s better than porn? (Video chat by reformed musician, Jimmy Needham.)
German pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “The pursuit of purity is not about the suppression of lust, but about the reorientation of one’s life to a larger goal.” If we don’t understand this, our freedom from porn will only be skin-deep.
We all have our hidden corners. You know, those secret and wicked sins in our life that look so attractive in the dark, so much so that we sometimes spend our whole life trying to keep them from the bright exposure of the Son. Indeed, we all have hidden corners. Some are just better at hiding them than others. (Jimmy Needham)
His final declaration is to remind us that it is only by recognising how central God is to our lives that we may find the road to satisfaction and therefore recovery. No 12 step program could do that for him.
DAY 15: Why we always fail in our resolution to quit porn (recap day)
If you want to be rid of porn, a sure-fire way to fail is to get caught in the trap of obsessing over what you are losing—not having your temporary “fix” anymore. Instead, we need to focus on what we are gaining. Each day, before temptation even hits, we must prayerfully remind ourselves of the blessings of purity.
One of the key things the 10% did to succeed was break their overall goal into a series of steps, focusing on sub-goals that were concrete, measurable, and time-based.
Dr. Wiseman notes that the top 10% who actually achieve their resolutions are those who regularly remind themselves about the benefits. He recommends people create a checklist of how life will be better once they achieve their aim. What will be the reward?
Treat any failure as a temporary setback rather than a reason to give up altogether.” Yes, it feels good to say that it’s been 88 days since you’ve seen pornography, but when you slip on Day 89 you are not back at square one. Genuine progress was made. Change happened. Don’t let it defeat you.
DAY 16: Lust or worship disorder?
Often, what drives an addiction to pornography is not just lust. It is evidence of a deeper sin that needs to be addressed. God alone should occupy that position in our hearts, but often we have sexual idols in our lives that have taken His place.
The article is based on a personal account and delves into his understanding of how pornography became his ‘idol’. This question is then explored in greater depth. Some interesting points are made…
DAY 17: Six reasons men and women are drawn to porn
An interesting view on the six things that porn promises to give us (6R’s):
Respect / Relationship / Refuge / Reward / Revenge / Redemption
Day 18: Pleasure is not the enemy
We should not think that God is opposed to pleasure. He has filled this world with wonderful pleasures. One of the best ways we can combat pornography is by running toward the legitimate earthly pleasures He has given us. By embracing God’s good gifts, over time porn will begin to lose its luster.
Sin must be habitually exposed to the light of confession. In the face of each other’s weaknesses, we need to encourage one another to fight sin. Accountability is the willingness to habitually and regularly allow others access to your heart, your motives, your secret desires, your dark thoughts, and, of course, your sinful actions.
Porn promises gratification but only decreases our sexual satisfaction. Porn disconnects us from real relationships. Porn lowers our view of women, training us to see each other as sexual commodities. Porn desensitizes us to and eroticises cruelty. Porn hooks us deeply, leading to possible addiction and sexual bondage.
These sinful longings can only be conquered by implanting new “affections”—new cravings—that counter our sinful cravings. This is what the Spirit does in us: He shares His own desires with us, changing us from the inside out.
Neurologically speaking, porn has carved a pathway of pleasure in the mind, but we can avoid that rut if we begin to carve our new holy pathways in the brain. In time, as pleasure-creating dopamine is released again and again through these pure channels, new habits are created and old habits begin to lose their luster.
Day 19: It’s not about purity. It’s about gratitude
THIS IS A KEY LESSON!!
Discusses excerpts from Heath Lambert’s book – Finally Free:
Greed isn’t just about money. You can be greedy for food, power, and in this context, you can be greedy in your sexual appetite. Greed is being focused on what you do not have. This lustful greed is not to be confused with sexual desire—after all, God gave you a healthy sexual attraction that is designed to attract and bind you to your spouse. Sexual desire is not sinful, but greed points and perverts that desire to someone who is not your spouse and to lust.
“The logic of lust requires you to be discontent with what you have and pay attention to all the things you don’t have. The logic of thankfulness requires you to focus on what you have already received and to be overcome with thanks. Gratitude is the opposite of greed“(p. 126)
“If you struggle with porn, one of your greatest needs is to grow in the grace of gratitude. Just because you may never have thought about it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Porn is only consumed by thankless people. The desire for porn is a desire to escape from what the Lord has given you into a fake universe full of things you do not have and will never have. Porn is the trading of gratitude for greed” (p. 127)
“Lust guarantees that as soon as you possess the object of your longing, you will get a new greedy desire for something more. This explains why marriage isn’t the cure for lust and masturbation that singles believe it will be. Once a man has a wife, he starts wanting the next thing he does not have. This is the vicious cycle of lust” (p. 130).
Lust is never satisfied.
Day 20: The exciting topic of boredom
It’s Day 20 (the halfway point) of Overcome Porn: The 40 Day Challenge, and today we are talking about the exciting topic of boredom. After having spoken to a lot of people about their porn habits, both men and women tell us one of the biggest catalysts for sin is boredom. In the idleness of itching for entertainment and novelty, porn is an easy fix. Often, before we can defeat pornography, we need to defeat the notion fed to us by our leisure culture that the cure for boredom is mindless amusement. We need to replace our boredom with productivity, creativity, and service. (Covenant Eyes)
“My dear Wormwood … I have always found that the trough [boring] periods of the human undulation provide excellent opportunity for all sensual temptations.”
—The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis
DAY 21: Love connection
‘Porn won’t spice up your sex life, and it won’t make you a better lover. Science and psychology show that sharing porn with your spouse or having a secret affair with porn will mess up hot nights of passion, especially for the long haul.’ Singleness and Longing: Why Porn Is Not the Cure
The article goes on to discuss the following:
Killer No. 1: Porn Hijacks Your Focus: Quick and changing thrills required & Multiple Images
Killer No. 2: Porn Creates Neural Pathways for More Porn: Plasticity & Rewiring the brain
Killer No. 3: Porn Creates a Neurochemical Imbalance: Dopamine & Testosterone effects
Killer No. 4: Porn Gets People Stuck in a Rut: Sensitisation, Triggers & Hyperfrontality (Compulsiveness)
DAY 22: Don’t be a practical atheist
“As Christians, one of our most cherished beliefs is that God is always present—always with us. The problem is we often don’t act like it. His nearness should be both an enormous deterrent from sinning and an enormous delight, but often we live as practical atheists.” (Covenant Eyes)
The article is designed to refocus you on God’s presence in whatever you do and asks whether you would watch porn in a church! It is true that many of the Saints treated every task as though it was being done in front of God.
Day 23: Grace doesn’t just forgive you. It changes you.
“The struggle with pornography can feel like an ever-present struggle. Even if you’ve not given into temptation for a week or a few weeks, it is easy to feel as if failure is inevitable. While sin is certainly present, so is the grace of God, and His grace can and does train us to live differently.” (Covenant Eyes)
Asks the following questions:
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But how does grace do this?
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How does grace train us to renounce the ways of the world and to live the way Christ desires?
Further scriptural discussion on Worldliness and Godliness and how this affects the reception of God’s grace etc. In order for grace to train us, we first need to come to grips with just how ungodly and taken by worldly passions we are.
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Grace trains us to be self-controlled by showing us the futility of impulsive grasps for satisfaction.
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Grace trains us to be upright by showing us the futility of self-centredness and self-righteousness.
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Grace trains us to be godly by whetting our appetite for God’s nearness.
Day 24: Paul’s secret to defeating lust
Paul was no stranger to lust. In Romans 7, he recalls a time in his life when the commandments of God really hit home for him, and he says they stirred in him all kinds of covetous desires (v.8). The more he tried to obey God, the more he was aware of just how sinful he was (v.7). The more God’s law restricted him, the more his sinful self wanted to break free to be his own master.
“This is why we will never defeat porn by simply trying harder. We will either fail trying or we will just replace porn with another vice.” This false philosophy is still circulating in the church today. When the best advice we can give people is better Internet filters, cold showers, more hours in prayer, and trying harder, we have given into this philosophy that Paul says is of no value.
This false philosophy either totally underestimates the power of sin, or it sets the benchmark of holiness too low. It either doesn’t get just how ingrained sexual sin is in us, or it thinks that merely getting rid of outward, blatant sexual sin is the goal. Neither is accurate.
Day 25: Paul’s death blow to addiction (St. Paul v porn)
In this article the author discusses all the different reasons that we must no longer respond to the ‘old slave master’ as described by Saint Paul. This is a key stone lesson and one of the first where addicts have to recognise ‘choice’. Your weapons have been prepared and sharpened and you know all the pitfalls but you still have to recognise that you are changed…you do not need to obey lustful temptations that still lurk in your mind.
Over the last 12 days, we’ve been talking about the second strategy mentioned in 2 Timothy 2:22: run to. We must not just flee from sin and temptation; we must also run to holy pleasures that displace the power of sin. This means:
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We must live lives experiencing pure, wholesome pleasures as good gifts from a loving God.
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We must cultivate a heart of thankfulness and gratitude, which will foster genuine contentment..
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We must repent of passivity and a constant desire for entertainment—which produces restlessness and boredom—and instead apply ourselves to creative pursuits, service to others, and activities that promote our health.
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We must pursue genuine intimacy with others in community, and if we are married, also pursue emotional and sexual intimacy with our spouse.
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We must find the idols of our hearts that drive our obsession with pornography. In the tempting moments we must turn away from those desires that are ruling us and look to Christ as the one who truly satisfies us.
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We must practice God’s presence moment by moment, remembering Christ is better than the pleasures of sin.
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We must meditate on the hope we have in Christ, relishing in God’s love for us, knowing a day is coming when we will be completely transformed by God, and allowing that hope to inspire us.
Often, the power of porn is the looking feeling of inevitability. When we get the itch for pornographic pleasure, we might resist for a while until we finally say to ourselves, “Well, I might as well do this and get it over with. The tension will build until I can’t take it anymore. It’s going to happen sooner or later.”
But what if we could say to pornography, “No, you are not an inevitability. I am united to the living Christ. It is my destiny to be like Him.” We must consider and reconsider and reconsider again—every single day—that we are new creatures (2 Cor. 5:17).
Day 26: How to join the human race
Now we must learn what it means to run with others who can help us.
Not many people like talking about their weaknesses with others. Nate Larkin used to be a lot like this. He wanted to just beat porn all on his own. But after his sin got out of control, he knew something needed to change. Listen to his story.
This is a ‘must’ listen for all family men.
Day 27: How to find a bad accountability partner
Let’s face it: for some of us, the word “accountability” sounds like the phrase “root canal.” In theory, we know we need it, but it doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience. Many of us have experienced accountability partners who are too judgmental or too passive. Today you’ll watch a humorous video about the ways accountability can go wrong, and we’ll discuss how to choose the right kind of person to hold us accountable.
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Moralistic accountability partners have one primary goal in mind: your performance to a standard. They approach you as a cop, not a fellow traveler.
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Morally mature partners want to see you grow in obedience, but they know your heart has to come first.
The choice of partner is crucial in this battle and some very good points are made in this article.
Day 28: Destroy porn by destroying shame
Fighting toxic shame is perhaps the greatest hurdle to getting real with someone and sharing our darker secrets. Deep down, we hate how far we’ve fallen, hate what it says about our character and our weaknesses, and hate the thought of what others would think of us if they knew. Sadly, often the very shame that is keeping us from others is what is driving our obsession with porn. Shame gets mixed with the false belief that we are too broken or too wicked for God to accept or change us—much less other people. So we hide.
An excellent short video on shame and lack of trust in God – you must watch it.
Day 29: How to find a good accountability partner
I need accountability, you need it, your spouse needs it, and your kids need it. Everyone does. When I’m pursuing secret sin, the last thing I want to do is be with serious Christians. The time I most need accountability is the time I’ll most likely withdraw from it. Admitting you need accountability doesn’t mean you’re extraordinarily screwed up. It means you’re a sinful human being like all of us.
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Make a list of your friends serious about their faith
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Narrow the list to those you genuinely like to talk to
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Talk to one or two of your top picks about meeting together for prayer
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As you meet, be intentional about confession
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Give the gift of “going second”
“I would like us to be intentionally about checking in with each other, really talking about the struggles we’ve had or the temptations we’ve faced.”
It’s hard to go first when it comes to talking about your sin. So throw yourself on the honesty grenade and talk about something you’re truly not proud of. Resist the urge to only share your socially acceptable sins (like being prideful or missing your family Rosary). When you talk about something really ugly—when you set the bar of honesty really high—you set a tone that invites others to really share their heart.
Day 30: Internet accountability can change your life
This is a video from a man telling how an accountability service changed his life. Provides 10 reasons for doing so. The choice of service is entirely up to YOU – you need to look and see what is available to you.
Day 31: When porn is on your report
Today we are talking about how to talk about our failures in our accountability conversations. Do your accountability partners know how to encourage you when you are feeling the grip of temptation or when you’re confessing your struggle? This is really about guiding the accountability partner.
Day 32: The biblical pillars of accountability
Today is all about meeting together, prayer, confession, and encouragement. What do the Scriptures have to say about these important activities?
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:17).
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:23-25)
Building a good accountability relationship takes time. There are benefits and blessings along the way, but the ripest fruit comes after a real friendship is built. Thinking of these four building blocks together, they form a structure that gives purpose and shape to our accountability relationships.
The foundation is meeting together. This includes all the basic methods of communication and conversation: meeting for coffee, talking on the phone, writing e-mails, or anything that involves a meeting of minds. The central pillar in the room is confession of sin: getting honest with God and one another about what we are doing that we shouldn’t do or not doing that we should. The outer walls that support and protect this relationship are prayer and encouragement.
Day 33: Five reasons Christian accountability fails
Yesterday we talked about the main pillars of an accountability relationship, but if we aren’t intentional, accountability can become unhelpful, obsolete, or even harmful very quickly. The four key building blocks of accountability are (1) prayer, (2) confession, (3) encouragement, and (4) meeting together. But what happens when we don’t build our accountability relationship well?
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Problem #1: When Accountability Partners Are Absent
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Problem #2: When Accountability Groups Are Programmatic
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Problem #3: When Accountability Partners Are Sincerity-Centered
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Problem #4: When Accountability Partners Are Obedience-Centered
KEY POINT:
When we make our groups all about sincere confession with no expectation of change, we trivialize the very sins that were nailed to Jesus on the cross. When we confess the same sins week after week, say a quick prayer, and go home, we merely highlight the cheap peace we feel from refreshing honesty, and we forget to comfort each other with a testimony of God’s grace of forgiveness. We forget to challenge each other to fight sin in light of the motivations God provides in His Word.
Day 34: The core of real accountability: friendship
Let’s begin to look at questions you wish your accountability partner would ask and why. These five questions are merely meant to be representative and to spark creativity.
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What are you doing to enjoy life?
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What new stressors are entering your life?
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Would you like to “just hang out”?
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Who or what is getting too much air time in your thought life right now?
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What are you passionate about in the coming weeks, months, or year? How it is going?
Don’t take the suggestions above to discount traditional accountability conversations. You should still ask traditional accountability questions:
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Have you succumbed to temptation since we met last?
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When have you been tempted and what have you done about it? (Mass & Confession)
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How has your time of prayer been?
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What have you not told me that you should?
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What should I have asked that I haven’t?
Day 35: More than porn: accountability in the grey areas
Good accountability relationships will go deeper, however. If we don’t “technically” look at porn but we still indulge in lust, fantasy, or wasting time online, it can be easy to tolerate these “harmless” activities. This is why we need to be ruthlessly honest with our friends and ourselves.
Brian Gardner discusses the issues he faced once the pornography has been stopped. The personal battle isn’t over: while he may not be looking at blatant pornography anymore, lust is still lodged in the heart, and the Internet is still a minefield of temptations and secret compromises. We asked him what the danger zones are, and he didn’t rattle off just a list of predictable men’s websites (Maxim or Esquire or Sports Illustrated). What danger zones did he mention?
Facebook. Twitter. YouTube. Amazon. Vimeo. Pinterest. Flickr. Tumblr.
Some of the most popular and most used ‘social media’ websites, Gardner says, are often the most compromising.
“Plausible deniability.”
This is biblical counsellor Alasdair Groves’ concern about so-called grey areas:.
“I’m just Googling something harmless—the kind of thing that if you saw me type it in to the search box you wouldn’t think much of it. But I’m inwardly aware that it might turn up some racy or explicit results, and I’m trying to pretend that’s not why I’m doing the search.”
Jeff Fisher, founder of PornToPurity.com, calls these “Yellow Light” behaviours.
Red Lights are clearly defined ‘no go’ boundaries.
Green Lights are safe zones.
Yellow Lights are heading in the direction of a Red Light behaviour.
Fisher gives several examples of this:
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Surfing online, hoping to find images, but not “technically” clicking on them
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Not clicking on a link, but going to a place where pop-ups or images are present
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Watching a romantic comedy hoping to catch a glimpse of something
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Going to IMDB.com, watching trailers and searching for actresses bios
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Looking at safe searches on Google Images, but hoping to find stray sexy pictures
